Trust. I'll wait as long as I need to for it.

It hurts.  I broke your trust.  I know.  And it will be a while before we are anywhere back to where we were before.  I know our friendship will never be the same.  I just mean the level of trust.  Today was a start though.  Still, when you avoid answering some things I ask...I know I broke your trust but does that mean that you stop acting trustworthy toward me? And when you don't answer...or hesitate...it makes me thing the answer is "no".  I know there are things you don't want to talk about.  Maybe never talk about.  But help me build my trust back.  Help me be someone that you will never avoid answering a question from.  You might hurt my feelings with the answer but I want to know the truth.  I want to know where I stand.  You want space?  I give you space (I know how to do that now).  You want a listening ear, then that' what I am.  I'll try to keep other conversation topics for a different time. I'm sorry I did that today.  I made it about me, and it was supposed to be about you.  So I am truly sorry for that.  I'm learning, I'm getting there, and waiting for me to figure it out will be worth it I assure you.

And I'm sure I'm making it worse.  If you read this.  I just...this is how I vent.  When I can't talk about things...I don't want to be "that guy" on Facebook making all the statuses and posts about how sad I am. I'm sure I will at some point but I'll try and keep them to a minimun, because I realize how depressing that could be for you, and I know that's the last thing you need.

Help me know what to do to get back your trust.  No matter how long it takes.  But in your own time.  I cherish your friendship a whole lot, and I never want to mess that up again.

Anyway...I don't know...my brain stopped.  Goodnight.

Yours In Writing

It's a brand new day! :)

I messed up.

I know that sentence is contradictory from the smiley face in the title.  But it will make sense when you are done reading this.

Basically you can ignore the previous post.  It's pretty much true but I didn't say it the right way. So if you haven't then you really don't need to bother.

THIS post though.  This one is going to be amazing.

I would like to tell you a story...

The november before last, I met a pretty cool person.  But I didn't know it at the time.  I re-met her the following summer.  That was a summer ago.  We hung out, we shared some struggles, and we became close.  Since then, I have upset her, and I have made her laugh, and I have probably made her cry though I'd be surprised...honored...but surprised if she ever admitted that to me.  But we have been fantastic friends.

Recently, she confided in me.  And I mean this was the confiding of ALL confiding.   And I broke her trust.  I had my reasons...I didn't know what to do, I was worried, and I hadn't ever dealt with anything like that before.  But, I was still in the wrong.  And for that I will forever be sorry.  It will be with me for the rest of my days.  And she may forgive me tomorrow and we will all be peachy again, or she may never fully forgive me, or anything in between.  And I pray to God that I can build that trust back up again.

All this aside.  I have learned some things.  Some amazing, wonderful, sad, happy, beautiful things.

One thing I have learned is when a dear friend tells you they need space, give it to them.  They may actually need that space and you thinking they "need" comfort could actually be stressing them out more.  Or they actually do need comfort even though they say they don't.  If the second is true, still give it to them.  Because they need to figure that out on their own and they will come to you when they do.

Something else I learned was that people, even friends, will lie to you on occasion.  Don't be mad at them, they have their reasons wrong or right.  Just be standing by for them when they are ready to tell you the truth.  Because whether or not they do tell you the truth, what's important is that they understand that you aren't upset at them for it.  Hurt? Yes.  But, are still there for them just the same.

I also learned that there is so much power that comes with believing in yourself and in others.  Sometimes you get let down but that just builds a tough outer shell.  Without that, we would be broken. We need that.  And just because there is that tough outer shell, doesn't mean that we aren't soft on the inside.  Because love...true, unconditional caring for someone...wins out in the end.

There is more. A LOT more.  But I need to be getting to sleep.  So let me leave you with this.  Regardless of where my friendship with this person goes - no matter what road it takes - my life has truly been changed.  I owe this friend more than I could ever repay her.  So to her, I say thank you.  I hope that when it counts, I have positively impacted you're life, even remotely to the way you have  positively impacted mine.

And may there be many more wonderful days to come!

Yours In Writing

It wasn't supposed to be like this... *WARNING - ANGSTY*

A friend of mine...she's going through some things.  I've been there for her to help, albeit an undesired help at times.  But in my experience, it's when people don't want help that they need it the most.  So when I tried to help anyway, and it turned out that she really did just need some alone time and I may have been adding to what she was feeling.  Well, let me tell you I didn't feel very good :/

I've come to think of her as a little sister.  Or at least I tried too.  There was something there before, and we both acknowledged it but decided it was best not to peruse it.  And so we've both moved on.  Or so I thought.  I honestly hope she doesn't read this but I think there are still some unresolved feelings that she won't admit too.  I suspect this because it is the same for me.  I finally admitted that to myself today.

It's not that I want her to feel this way.  I hope she is over it.  But I suspect she isn't.  Nevertheless, even if she isn't over it, it's clearly not something that would make her happy as she is suppressing them so as not to have to think about it.

...and maybe it's best if she doesn't.  At least for now.  A part of me wants to figure this out with her.  "Yes I still feel that way but it's too hard, it will never work.  I will never stop feeling that way but it isn't good for either of us.

(I don't like the way I wrote any of that but that's how it came out.  I'm sorry.  I'm going attempt to sleep now.)

Your's In Writing

P.s.  Ironically, today was a really good day.

Happy 60th Posting. Maybe not happy.

I put off my 60th posting because I wanted it to be cool.  I wanted it to be something awesome.  I story, or a poem, or even just...I don't know.  And now, because I put it off, it's going to be sad.  I guess that's a lesson not to put things off.  Because when you have expectations of something, you build it up.  You get excited.  Some times, most of the excitement is in the anticipation.  And then when you get to the thing...it's not what you'd thought.

That's not always the case.  But here it is.

When will I learn not to put people up on pedestals? Jesus is the only human that belongs there. Because he was not only 100% human, but 100% God as well.  I know that doesn't make sense to a lot of people.  Admittedly, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either.  But faith allows me to accept that whether I understand that or not.

And it's not bad to put your faith in other things.  Not entirely.  We put faith a chair when we sit on it.  We trust that it's not going to collaps underneath us.  And we put faith in our food, that it's not going to make us sick.  Maybe those aren't the best examples.  I think the point is made though.  And we put our faith in people too.  In our friends and family that they will always be there.

One of my worst fears is that I will an annoyance and a burden to the people I care about.  Don't worry, I'm not going to check out early. God put me on this earth and when, and only when, God decides to take me home is when I'll go.  In the mean time, I'm here to stay.  But sometimes I feel like some of the people I care about, when I try to help them, I make it worse.  I would never do anything to hurt my friends.  Not intentionally.  And anything I say in the form of advice or opinion is not direction.  I don't have all the answers.  But I do comment on what I observe.  And if you've been there for me, I'll be darned if I'm not going to be there for you.

I don't know.  There's more but I could go on and on for a while and I would just be repeating myself.

Bottom line, I care about you, I will always be there for you.  I might judge you momentarily, but that's out of my own faults.  When it counts, my arms are always open and my shoulder is always free. And my ear is always listening. And you will forever be in my heart.  We may grow apart at times, and we may not always be able to talk.  And we may have a falling out and it may seem like we aren't friends anymore but an apology for the time lapsed, a conversation and some happy tears, and we're back in business.  Because once you're a friend of mine, you're one for life.

Your's In Writing

A Golden Oldie

I feel old.  It was my birthday last month.  January 23rd.  I turned 24.  Last year, as I'm sure you can deduce on your own, was my Golden Birthday.  It was something that I had looked forward to for as long as I knew what a "golden birthday" was.  And now it's gone, as is all the time before it.  And I feel old.  We spend a large part of our lives in anticipation of something, our birthday, a holiday, the weekend, hanging out with a friend, even just the end of the day.  We do this so much, we often forget to enjoy the moments we are in. And before you know it, you're old.  Did I mention I feel old?  I know I'm not.  But this is the oldest I've been.  My entire life has led up to this moment, typing my thoughts on this laptop.  I'm not saying it's been for this.  But each day helps build you and prepares you for the next.  And this is where I am at this moment.

Though I wish I would have enjoyed the moments more and held on to the present in those years preceding 2012, looking back from this January 23rd to the last, my twenty third year of existence truly was a golden year.  I had my golden birthday to start it off.  I went through my last semester of undergraduate schooling. I graduated.  My girlfriend and I decided to part ways but still stay friends, something I will always appreciate. I moved back home. Got to work with my dad again in the family business.  I rekindled a friendship with an old friend.  Made a few new ones.  Started going to church again, went bowling on Thursdays and went to church group on Fridays.  I went back to the cabin for the first time in three years.  I told one my best friends in the world that I cared for her more than I had cared for anyone else that I knew - and she told me she thought of me as a friend, but that is perfectly okay and more than I could have ever asked for and I will always view her as one of my best friends; I am blessed to have her in my life. I went to the Minnesota State Fair where my parents and I caught up with some more old friends. I went to my cousins wedding down state. Bought some video equipment while in Minnesota for the holidays.  I was in community chorus.  I was in community theater where I met some AMAZING people. I laughed. I cried. I lived.

Here's to my "Golden Year" - what a year it was - and to the many years to come.  May they be filled with adventure. And may God guide me in my travels and pursuits.  I can't wait to see what's in store for me next.

Your's In Writing

I'd like to thank the Academy

Oh my goodness! Was Halloween really that last time I posted?  That seems like it was more recent than that.  I have been in a play.  That's why I've been away.  I mean it's no excuse.  I should have continued posting anyway.  If I wanted it bad enough, I would have.  I just...ugh. So the play is over now, and you know what?  I'm sad about it.

Li'l Abner.  It's a musical based on the comic strip by Al Capp.  I, like many of my fellow cast members, was more than one role.  I had two: a general citizen of the town known as "Dogpatch" and a "refugee from justice" know as "Evil Eye Fleagle."

I want to write all about this but I've done that in an email to my fellow cast and so I'll share it with you here.  The only thing I'd like to add (and probably reiterate) is that through this experience I've met some of the greatest people I've ever met.

"I'd like to thank the Academy"

Teddy, here :)

Somehow, I miraculously got away without being dragged up to give a speech at the cast party.  And I was initially relieved by this fact.  But as I began to ponder this, I also slightly felt left out, no fault of anyone but myself of course.  I should have leaped and hollered "MY TURN! MY TURN!" But alas, I did not.  Also, I came to the conclusion that I was doing everyone a disservice for not contributing to the consensus that this play that we did, this awesome amazing wonderful beautiful thing, was all of that and more.  In lieu of a spoken speech, I'd like to write to you all.  I'm really better at writing than I am at speaking anyway so I'm actually doing everyone a favor by communicating this way rather than flapping my jaws in front of you all like the blubbering idiot I really am.

Before anything more is said, I want to state that this whole thing really was amazing.  But that word doesn't even do it justice.  It's only a meager attempt at explaining what this experience was.  So I guess there are no words to do it proper justice except to say that it was priceless.

Now, for my tale of how I came to join this merry band of curious characters.  It may not be "exactly accurate" but it's how I remember it.  I was in the Midtown Mall one day with my mother and happened into Book World.  I perused the shelves, for what I don't know (I never do).  I honestly could walk around in there for hours which is impressive given the size of the place.  Anyways. I was perusing the shelves as I was saying, and happened to spot an individual that I vaguely recognized.  I thought for a moment or two and then, with a revelatory yet quizzical tone I said "Tanith?"  We'd met long ago, you see, through a mutual friend. 

So, we rather quickly caught up and then I don't remember exactly how it came up but she told me about this play and how some characters were "missing".  She then spouted off a few names that I don't remember of those missing characters.  She then told me when and where to show up.

And I did.

I met Fred, and John and Julie, and a few others. And re-met some, such as John Wilkinson. I found out about the Halloween fun house, where I met some more interesting individuals. Among others I remember Gage in a Count Chocula suit, Marti as Harry Potter and Fred as, I'm guessing, himself when no one is around to see him dress that way (just kidding Fred).

Somehow, all THAT didn't scare me away.

So I kept coming to rehearsal though I missed some due to Community Chorus. At first, I was really excited to maybe get a medium-big part,  because I had mostly gotten smaller parts in the past.  Except for my senior year of high school where I played Maxwell Smart, Agent 86. 

No matter what part I was given in Li'l Abner, however, I was going to be happy with it as there are truly no small parts.  Everyone's performance is equal in importance. (whoa, I rhymed!)  And besides, I was just happy to be a part of theater again.  It had been TOO long.

"You'll be an extra."  Fred actually said crony or scrag or something but all I heard was "extra."  I was initially sad.  But, but but, I thought to myself. And then I let my ego deflate.  Turns out you can move your head around a lot easier when it isn't the size of a hot air balloon. (an appropriate analogy for more than one reason.

So I settled into the idea of a smaller roll.  Again, I was just excited to be back in theater.

Then there was the next meeting.  At the end of which, I was victim...ahem..."privileged participate" to the infamous "second talk" from Fred.  I don't remember exactly what was said, other than "Can you do a Jersey accent?"  but it was here that I was given the part of Double E F (as John Estes affectionately called me).

Several months later, as Fred counted what gray hair he had left (and discovered that it was grayer than when he started planning for the play), on the weekends of January 11th and 18th, for six nights, we sang and acted our way into 2013.  But more than that, we performed magic.  We took what Fred was going to almost nearly give up on, what people said he couldn't do, and made it shine.  And we couldn't have done it without him.

Over those months, I didn't make acquaintances, I didn't even make friends.  No.  My family grew.  I know this has been said already but I really do love you all.  If anyone of you had been missing, it wouldn't have been the same.  Even the three stooges who I lovingly referred to as "the urchins."  They ate all the snacks and made a taco explode in the lobby, but they, the little siblings of the group, along with the little girls whose names I can't all remember but who were some of the best actors I've ever seen, made it complete. 

Thank you, everyone.  It was an experience that I will always remember.  And before I flood my computer with tears of joy and a fondness that will never go away, I'm going to end this email/speech with two things.  One, is that this isn't "goodbye".  It's "until we meet again" (and the "after after party" as Becky put it.)  The second is a quote by John Estes at the end of the second Saturday night's performance. It was in reference to that particular performance but I believe it is a sentiment that rings true for all of it. The laughs. The late nights. The ups. The downs.  All of it. 

He said this:

"That was a freakin' blast!"

If you only knew.

What do you do when you care so much that it hurts sometimes to think about?  So much that everything else in life seems small in comparison, or even hinges on the thing you care about?  Even if you know it's doesn't.  Even if you know life will go on no matter what.  And that those other things are equally if not more important.

If you only knew.
 
If you only could know how much I really do care.  How much I want you to care back.
I'd be there for you and never let you down.  Never let you go.
We would have adventures together and no moment would be dull.
We'd go places and see things.  Filled with wonder and awe.
And when we weren't together, we'd count the minutes until we were.
We would be fantastic.  Magnificent.  Amazing.  Grand.  
We would be "you and I".  We would be "us".
For the rest of our lives.
If you'd just take that leap of faith.  
I know you're scared.  I am too.  But we'd leap together.
If you only knew it would be alright.
If you only knew.